Frustrated

Today was a really, really hard day.

All weekend long we were telling him that he would get to meet Darth Vader. We love Star Wars in this house, we love the music, the movies, the stories, all of it. It's just wonderful. So when I found out a local museum was having a Star Wars day, we were stoked.

But I didn't do my homework. I took the photo posted to my facebook that it was 'this weekend!' It wasn't. It was a weekend last month. It's my fault. I should of checked it out before hand. I didn't. I own it.

Today started much like any other day. I try and make sure we have a set schedule for him, he does well on schedules.

He woke up. Had breakfast. Had TV time. Had story time. Had lunch. Then it was time to get dressed and go to a birthday party. He was fine. FINE. Until we got to the party.

He lost it. Just lost it. We should of gotten there early. We should of walked around and let him transition. We didn't. We paid for it. He threw a fit. He cried. He hid. Thank gods I brought a stroller.

But every time he would start to calm down someone had to look into the stroller and invade his space and he would fall back into the meltdown/hiding.

Fuck.

How do I tell people to back the fuck off without being completely rude?

We tried leaving. He didn't want to leave. We tried some car time. Headphones. Everything. WE TRIED IT ALL and he just kept melting down until we went to have cake.

That he enjoyed. I got about 20 minutes of him not flipping out while he ate cake.

We got in the car, he flipped out a bit, then napped. Woke up. And right back into the flip out. Right back into the crying, holding his head, his ears, hiding, shaking. AND I HAD IT!

But I can't do anything about it. I can't hit or yell at him. It would only make it worse. So we went upstairs and hugged and cuddled while he cried. And came back down and went back up and back down. By now husband was making dinner, that our older son refused to eat but the baby devoured and had thirds, and I walked outback and I just cried.

Why can't I have a child that wants to play!? That wants to do cool shit!? Why?!

And WHY do I have to defend him!? Why do I have to tell people when I vent on my facebook "NO SUGGESTIONS" or "NO UNSOLICITED ADVISE?!" Why can't I just feel pissed off?! Why can't I just say "THIS FUCKING SUCKS!!!" without someone saying 'you're not trying hard enough' or 'have you tried this?!'

MAYBE I JUST WANT TO FEEL. MAYBE I WANT TO SAY 'THIS SUCKS' And not feel judged or think that people think I don't love my son!

This does suck. This is hard. I love my son, fiercely. I don't love what we're going through, but I know it will make me a stronger parent.